the physics of presence
Written by Desmond Olubunmi · Founder of Sunya
Utilising your physical and energetic presence to stabilise the nervous system of another human being. The practice of recognising that absolute, undivided attention is one of the most profound forms of care available.
Human beings co-regulate through presence. The brain is constantly scanning the micro-expressions, breathing rates, and energetic quality of the people around us to determine whether we are safe — a process called neuroception. We have mirror neurons
that literally mirror the emotional and physical states of those we are with. When you sit with someone in distress while distracted, looking at your phone, or trying to logically fix their problem, you amplify their chaos.
But when you drop into a deep, parasympathetic state of genuine presence — belly soft, breath slow, mind quiet — your whole physical system broadcasts a signal of safety. Without a single word, their nervous system begins to entrain to yours. You become a stable anchor in someone else’s storm. This is not a metaphor. It is biology.
The gift of absolute attention: When speaking with someone, put the phone completely out of sight. Turn your physical body toward them. Give them 100% of your attention. In a world engineered to steal focus, giving someone your undivided presence is one of the rarest and most healing acts possible.
Deep listening: The conditioned mind does not listen — it waits for its turn to speak. Suspend the urgent need to formulate your reply. Listen to the words, but more importantly, listen to the emotion beneath the words. Listen to their breath. Receive their communication without the filter of your own agenda.
Eye gazing: The eyes are direct windows to the inner life. Maintain soft, sustained eye contact — not aggressive staring, but a steady, warm gaze. Holding this gaze bridges the gap between two people and creates an immediate, felt loop of genuine connection.
Holding the void: When someone is in pain, the conditioned self immediately wants to offer advice, platitudes, or forced positivity — to fix the discomfort. Resist this. Often a person simply needs their suffering to be witnessed. Hold the empty, safe space of your silent presence. Let them process in the absolute safety of your undivided attention, without being rushed toward resolution.
Occasional writing on the levers, the practices, and how to actually work with them.
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